There was a time when I blogged regularly. I wasn’t forced to do it, but it was part of a well established routined in my last relationship. Speaking of which, I still have frequent nightmares of him. Not because he was a horrible person to me, but because I am still very angry at him for multiple reasons. In those nightmares, I’m stuck with him and there is no way out. I am over what happened, but I still need to find a way to simply stop caring about the past.
I have also talked frequently about the fact of never meeting/remembering my birth father. Recently, I have met him and unsurprisingly, he was everything I thought he was. Last spring, my paternal grandmother tracked me down to my work place with her daughter. We chatted and we’ve gotten together once after that. My father’s mistakes were never their fault and always wanted a relationship with them. Last Saturday, my aunt was having a birthday dinner for her daughter, my cousin, and subsequently for my father. I made an appearance and just couldn’t stare at him. The top part of my face is clearly his, those eyes and eyebrows belong to him and that was very maddening. He barely spoke to me and when he did, it was ordered by my grandmother. When he spoke to me, he did so in English as a way to mock the fact that the man who raised me was anglophone because we are both native French speakers. It was very infuriating to sit there and to let him do the big talk when I know clearly that it’s all a show. When I got up to leave, my grandmother begged me to tell him goodbye but I couldn’t. He followed me outside and I was expecting us to have a honest conversation but all he could muster was ‘see you a round’. That night, I looked great, I was proud to say that I own this year’s car, that I have my university degree, and last but not least, that I have everything that I could wish for in terms of family and friends. For those who don’t know, my mother remarried when I was very young and was adopted by her husband. My birth father gave up his rights over me as a deal between my mother and him since he had over $8,000 in unpaid child support to my mother.