Crawling back…

Whenever things get tough, I crawl back to WordPress. Actually, I come back here whenever I have very big highs and very low lows.

After two long sufferable weeks, I’ve called it quits. I’ve yelled back at life asking what the f*ck is next? Don’t I work enough? Can’t life just simply give me a break? I’ve taken on new challenges and acquired new skills and experiences, but today I’m willing to forget about it all. All I want is to crawl back to my old life and finally have that target taken off of my back.

I’ve been told that these are signs from above and beyond, while it seems to me like life is bullying me, I’m faced with decisions to take and I wish that third option would magically appear. With no other options in sight, life leaves me nothing else but to…

To be continued.

 

 

Post-op welcome back

It’s been such a long time.

I don’t remember the last time I took a break or even napped during the day. All it took was a surgery and some bed rest ordered by the doctor.

Ever since my last relationship, I’ve been going through some changes in my life and some self-discovery. I’ve been more assertive in my decisions and I’ve decided that I do not have to please everyone. I’ve tried vanilla dating and found that it really wasn’t for me. I went back to FetLife on a quest to find someone who was compatible with me on both sides: kinky and vanilla. I met some lovely people; a man in particular who is there for me and I’d like to think that I am there for him, too. We can honestly share our deepest desire and we comfort each other. Although he is not a life-long partner, I’ve found a friend and a confidant in him.

All in all, I am still single and currently appreciating every moment of it. The road to self-discovery and love isn’t as straight a line as expected.

Hoping that you, dear reader, are in good place as well.

With this, I shall go back to watching movies and eating ice cream.

Yours truly,

Kneeling Daughter

Take it off

Getting back into an old ritual I had where I wrote my thoughts about my latest play session before the 24-hour period had passed.

Yesterday wasn’t like before: there was no flogging, caning, paddling, nor was there any testing of my limits. Actually, it wasn’t even BDSM-oriented, but rather all about ABDL.

I spent an hour in a nursery.

There, I said it.

Most of us have fantasies about cribs, changing tables, high chairs, but not me. I find it incredibly embarrassing and I find it stressful how it forces me to regress to my little-self. After I was changed on that table and put into a thick baby-ish diaper, this man decided to put a pink frilly dress on me. I was then directed to try out the crib, sit on it, and I was finally locked in for a while. The emotions I felt during and after that were very confusing. I slipped into my old habits where I wasn’t capable of defining my sentiments and the space of mind I was in. That evening, I was drained and tired. I got home, hopped into bed and cried myself to sleep. I was a complete mess and that continued on to the next day. The way I felt wasn’t due to my experience, but because of what that unlocked for me – or inside me. For a moment, I got rid of my shell and what was inside me was allowed to come out and it did so even after putting that shell back on. It seemed as though it could seep through the small openings that were left. Because I have a tendency to keep everything inside me, I never get to sort it through. “Do I really want to keep that? Why did I even bother taking that in the first place?”, those are the questions that are going through my head at this moment.

And of course, I learned some valuable life lessons today: 1) Why keep/stock pile some thoughts/emotions/insecurities in the first place? 2) Things happen for a reason, they simply happen, and 3) Why didn’t I take pictures of my diapered bum in that crib?!

Yours truly,

The Kneeling Daughter

Titled

Hello again, it’s been a while.

I’ve been navigating various relationships and dipping my toes in the polyamorous world. It’s still not something that I see doing the rest of my life, but it’s good for now. It enables me to still find some time to take care of me without having to answer to someone else.

I’m a very nervous, stressed person. It has manifested itself through my body in various form: IBS, panic attacks, weight gain, scalp problems, and now through peptic ulcers. My ulcer finally broke through the last layer and hit directly the blood vessels, resulting in bloody vomit. My family members has enough and in the end I was finally put on sick leave by my GP. Like many out there, I love to work and to delve myself in my various tasks. What I don’t like are the unimaginable expectations that I have to meet on daily basis.

Aside from that, I applied for a Master’s degree and was rejected immediately after. “Humpff, OK”, I told myself. If that’s not the next step in my life, what is? I finally had a break a in my job search and was given a chance by someone. This is the first interview in a year in all 75-85 job applications that I’ve done.

For a while, I did not want to talk to anyone nor revisit my little side. I’ve started playing again with some Daddies and some have made me feel great physically. One in particular has been a breeze of fresh air in terms of his personality and aspirations. I’d like to say that we get along really well and that there is quite a bit of chemistry. With this person, I can be myself and my well-being always comes first to him. It’s not that it wasn’t the case with others, but they couldn’t see the big picture.

Anyway, that’s it for now folks. Hopefully I won’t wait as long as I have in the past to write up another post.

Yours truly,

The Kneeling Daughter.

Appreciation

Seeing and feeling the bad: giving me an appreciation of what I have.

I don’t feel like listing every single thing that I have in my life. I strongly believe that appreciating the possibilities that are ahead of me is more than enough. I can choose to do whatever I like and I know that there will be good and bad times. I can most definitely appreciate the honesty and the clearity of these thoughts.

Reading I’m thinking of ending things by Iain Reid has brought me to another level of thought and understanding. I’m not one to bend corners of a book’s pages, but I couldn’t help myself with this particular one.

“You also know things are real when they can be lost”,

and

“Most people want to get married. Is there anything else that people do in such huge numbers, with such a terrible success rate?”.

I miss feeling things.

The Kneeling Daughter

thnking-ending-it-book-review

 

Deception

There was a time when I blogged regularly. I wasn’t forced to do it, but it was part of a well established routined in my last relationship. Speaking of which, I still have frequent nightmares of him. Not because he was a horrible person to me, but because I am still very angry at him for multiple reasons. In those nightmares, I’m stuck with him and there is no way out. I am over what happened, but I still need to find a way to simply stop caring about the past.

I have also talked frequently about the fact of never meeting/remembering my birth father. Recently, I have met him and unsurprisingly, he was everything I thought he was. Last spring, my paternal grandmother tracked me down to my work place with her daughter. We chatted and we’ve gotten together once after that. My father’s mistakes were never their fault and always wanted a relationship with them. Last Saturday, my aunt was having a birthday dinner for her daughter, my cousin, and subsequently for my father. I made an appearance and just couldn’t stare at him. The top part of my face is clearly his, those eyes and eyebrows belong to him and that was very maddening. He barely spoke to me and when he did, it was ordered by my grandmother. When he spoke to me, he did so in English as a way to mock the fact that the man who raised me was anglophone because we are both native French speakers. It was very infuriating to sit there and to let him do the big talk when I know clearly that it’s all a show. When I got up to leave, my grandmother begged me to tell him goodbye but I couldn’t. He followed me outside and I was expecting us to have a honest conversation but all he could muster was ‘see you a round’. That night, I looked great, I was proud to say that I own this year’s car, that I have my university degree, and last but not least, that I have everything that I could wish for in terms of family and friends. For those who don’t know, my mother remarried when I was very young and was adopted by her husband. My birth father gave up his rights over me as a deal between my mother and him since he had over $8,000 in unpaid child support to my mother.

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I somehow took a leave of absence from blogging and basic social interactions. I’m slowly getting back to going out and meeting some friends, but it’s been a difficult process.

I’ve been receiving messages from lovely (or not) strangers on the wonderful Fetlife website trying to get me to be theirs. I realized that a lot of them are close-minded and don’t understand that I have vanilla interests (Really?!) I really don’t want to make this post a rant, but hasn’t anyone heard of a balanced relationship? I advertise myself as being a little, an AB, but I sincerely hope that they know it’s not a 24/7 thing. Oh, she’s always in the back of mind subconsciously, but I enjoy outdoor activities, travelling, intellectual conversations. To reduce me to my fetishes is simply appalling to me.

Aside from that, I got a lovely weekend to myself a few weeks ago and got to enjoy myself very much in a diaper! It’s not the fancy stuff, but it’s better than nothing for me!

Yours,

The Kneeling Daughter

Is this worth it?

I’m back home from my second date and I’m not too sure what to expect. On the way home, all I could think about was this: This Daddy prefers your diapers over you. Ouch. Whenever we’re not alone in a quiet space where we are both DLs, it seems like I’m not interesting.

The second thing that comes to my mind is: Where is the friggen’ kiss? The real close embrace? Unfortunately, I look unreadable, but that is probably because this Daddy has walls around his person.

So many thoughts, but I need more time to figure out how to express them.

Yours,

The Kneeling Daughter

Meditative thoughts

When I finish a workout or whenever I have to hold a pose, my thoughts wander even though they are not supposed to. I’m saying this because I’ve been regularly practicing yoga for the last week and I’m supposed to focus on my breath. Unfortunately, that doesn’t always happen and I’m laying on my mat, talking to myself and revisiting events. My job is a stressful one; my employer who is also my direct supervisor isn’t always the easiest person to work with. I rarely do mistakes, but when I do, they hit me hard like a punch in the gut. I’m currently torn in between explaining my actions and shutting up since the latter was what my ex was so keen on.

Be quiet, do as you are told and do not repeat the mistake.

As I am writing this sentence, tears make their way up and glide down my cheeks quietly. I felt and sometimes still feel broken. My little minions inside are still trying to repair the pieces of who I am as a person. I’m still struggling to think about myself first in the hopes of finding my spirit back.

On a side note, I’ve come to really enjoy yoga, meditation, and even PiYo. I meet other women and men that want to take some time for themselves the way I do and I can let go of my daily struggles during that hour. I can forget who I was and who I am trying to be. I focus on being who I am in the present and I can work on every inch of my body and entity.  Plus, my clothes are actually fitting looser these days (I won’t complain!)

Referring to my last blog post: First Date, if everything goes well, there will be a second date this weekend. With my background and childhood, I have always put men before myself, but that is no longer the case! I have decided that a certain time wasn’t convenient for me because it interfered with my yoga class. Knowing and realizing that has made me feel incredibly good. Back to dating, sex has been a topic many times between us and I remember the old me from the new me. I think that with this guy, I may see a bit of my old self back for certain things that matter. For others, let’s say that I’m making room for the new me. I found an interesting article on making sex mind-blowing and feel free to visit it, I’m mainly keeping this link as a reference for the future.

Yours truly,

The Kneeling Daughter

First Date

Last night I had my first date with this man and after my terrible breakup. It was a breath of fresh air. I try not to compare to much, but when I do, I am pleasantly surprised.

I got to put on this new kind of diaper, DryComfort 24/7. Originally, he was supposed to but them on me, but I was chickened out. I was really shy and I didn’t think that would happen this time around. If I learned anything this past year is to own my confidence. I am a plus-size girl, but I do believe that I am physically and facially attractive to right person. I just had to remind myself of that when I couldn’t bring myself to look into his eyes.

Aside from that, we fooled around a little, but I did not succumb to my temptations of actually having sex on the first date. I tried on a cozy straightjacket and absolutely loved the sensation. Some of you might think of me as crazy, including myself, but trust me, it was very much worth it. The strap between my legs, riding into my diapered crotch was pure bliss.

Yours truly,

The Kneeling Daughter